No more Pepsi

I am a Pepsi survivor.

I know this sounds funny, but I am three weeks clean. I have not had a Pepsi in three weeks and 1 day. Its not just Pepsi, but any soda in fact.

This may not sound like a big deal, but it is. I grew up with Pepsi. There was Pepsi readily available to me as a child. There is one picture of me in high school, study hall, were I have a Pepsi in front of me and I am eating a Reeses peanut butter cup. My two favorites. At my grandmother's home, Pepsi was the chosen drink. She would have bottles of it, stacked and readily available, and consumed.

I cannot recall a single day in which I did not have a soda, until these past three weeks. I am consciously making the choice to not drink or buy one. It feels great to know, that to this point, I have conquered my addiction. However, I also know that if I drink one, I may not stop. I want to be healthier. This is a huge step.

When does the crying stop?

Its been just over two weeks and I still cry. I cry at the oddest things. I miss her. I miss texting her what is going on and getting texts from her. I am trying not to look back with the what ifs. Trying not to think I should have done better. But at times I do. I keep think this has to be a dream - but I know it isn't.

We are preparing to sell our house and move to the city. It is a time that I would be leaning on her and she would be cheering me up telling me its ok. She'd be here if she could. I take some comfort in knowing that I hugged her the last time I saw her. That I know I told her I loved her and cared about her. She knew she was closer to me than my family.

Today I will keep busy, going through things, throwing stuff out, packing what I can, making a few repairs where possible, and painting. We moved in 5 days. I believe we will be ready.

Don't know how I feel. Lost is a good word. Numb would work to an extent, but I am not fully numb, just sad. I just want to stop crying, remember her with smiles and laughter, not with tears.

It rained today

It rained here today. First time in about 60 days that we got any rain at all.
Normally, raining isn't a big deal. However, the added glum of the day didn't help keep my thoughts from drifting to Maggie's death. I still find it hard to believe that she is gone.

I have to continue through every day life. Its hard not to think about her at times.

I have been trying to plan for the fall. I will be teaching APUS History and I need to have the year planned out. I think I have the year roughly mapped out, I don't have the actual lesson done.

Trying to keep busy. Tomorrow I am going to a workshop.

Let the healing begin, please!

After a long week, we made it back to our place yesterday.

On Monday I went to the private visitation, Tuesday the public visitation, and on Wed I took part of the services. I was a pallbearer. I couldn't have not been. I wanted to be a part of her services.

I still can't believe she is gone. It is so surreal. She left behind six kids and a grieving husband. What to do from here?

Visitation

I am preparing to leave for the visitation portion of Margaret's services. I have entered the numb stage, but I doubt that will last long. Tomorrow is the service and Thursday is the scheduled day to return to Texas.

This still feels like a dream.

Just a matter of days now

We have arrived back in my hometown. The drive itself wasn't a bad one, really. We were lucky enough to miss the bad weather by delaying our morning start and were even able to stop at a restaurant along the way and have lunch with a friend who had, until yesterday, only been someone we knew through pictures, blogs, emails, and facebook posts.

Yesterday, after we arrived, I checked us in at the hotel and then headed to Margaret's house. It felt odd to be there without her, but I wasn't uncomfortable. I spent several hours with her family. Just talking and being there.

Before I left, her husband and I talked. I cleared the air about some mistaken thoughts he had. I didn't want him thinking I didn't like him, as he had. In fact, I didn't really know him. The only things I know of him, I learned through Margaret. I asked him what he needed me to do. I am going with them to see Margaret today. To see that they have prepared her right. I can't believe I am doing this. She was too young.

There was nothing anyone could do. Her brain aneurysm was too severe in the worst place for them to do anything. When she passed out, she was already gone to us.

The next few days will be hard. I am hoping the numbness part kicks in to help me get through this. Being around her kids helps.

Long Trip Home

We have set out on the long trip home that I never thought I would have to take. I am going back home to bury my best friend. She was taken from us way too young and too fast.

Some of the things I have learned over the past 36 hours:

1. Life is short, sweet, and needs to be cherished.
2. Remember the important things are friends and family.
3. Go out of your way to say hi, to text whats up, to tell someone you love them, you might not get another chance.
4. Let pictures be taken of you! You should not be so vain as to keep these memories from your loved ones.

These are just a few of the things, I know I will learn more as the days go by.

Margaret and I were best friends in high school. In fact, we actually lived in the same small, one room apartment for a little while. Then we were neighbors for a little while. She dated a guy I had known since I was three or so.
I joined the Navy, got married, moved to the East Coast and lost touch. We touched base ever so often, but email hadn't come along, and long distant phone calls were expensive.
We finally touched base again about two years ago, and never looked back. We began our friendship again as if we had never had any time apart. Of course there have been changes. She now has six kids, I have two, she is married, I divorced my husband, and remarried a woman. Margaret wasn't fazed a bit.
She met K online, chatted with her through facebook and on the phone and when visits occurred it was like no time had lapsed. She accepted me for me. Always had. She was glad to see me happy. Had told K she could see the love between us and she was grateful that I had finally found someone who truly made me happy. Margaret was my life friend.
Margaret has now passed through my life. I miss her. I am going to find a way to make sure the last text messages we exchanged never go away.
I am thankful that I had only seen her in April. Not 45 days before she passed away. The last thing I did in person was hug her and tell her I loved her.

The last thing I will get to do is to tell her I love her still, tell her I will miss her every day for the rest of my life, and then do the hardest thing I have ever done - bury her.

Then what?

June 10 - SUCKS!!!

Other than my wife, I have had VERY few people in my life that have accepted me fully for who I am and did not try to change me. I have had few people I would call my closest friends, let alone best friends.

One of my closest, long time best friends was suddenly taken from this world this morning at 2:28 am. She was taken away much too early and much too fast. I didn't get to tell her goodbye, didn't get to tell her one last time thank you for being there, thank you for every thing, and that I loved her. I do believe she knew it, which is very helpful. I have made sure to tell her in the past on several occasions and the last time I saw her in person I know I told her.

Tomorrow I am flying back to our hometown to pay my respects and to hopefully be a part of her services. I am saying good bye to a HUGE part of my life, how do you do that?

Another day

Another day of reading down. I can't believe its actually a Friday. It doesn't feel like it. Today I read about 100 essays. Tomorrow I will read another 100 - 125. This will be my days for the next 5 days. Knowing I have a working weekend in fron of me is probably why it doesn't feel like a Friday to me.

I was able to attend a major league baseball game today. It wasn't too bad. Got to see the Reds play the Dodgers. I am hoping to possibly see the Cubs play before I head back to Texas.

Need more sleep, that I have been able to determine rather quickly.

Cincy

I am in Cincinnati. I will be here for another full week. Why? I am attending the AP Reader's conference here. I will be grading about 100 essays a day for the next 6 days. I don't know if I have ever graded that many.

I do know that I have never spent this many days away from K. I miss her already and I have only been away one night. Eight nights is going to tough. Every morning I am waking up at 5:30 our time. I don't want t get use to the time, completely, because I want to be able to slide back into our home time zone easily.

I am meeting a lot of new people from through the country. One teacher I met today is a Navy wife who is currently stationed in Guam. It took her 24 hours to fly here. I thought it was neat that they brought someone from there here. It helps contribute to the diversity of the readers.

One thing that kinda stinks is that just as I finally get to a point where I am learning more about the exam I am being given a different course. In the fall I am going to begin teaching AP US History and regular US History. I am happy to be going back to a course that I really enjoy, but at the same time I am nervous about the differences in the tests. I will be doing a lot of studying over the summer, as time allows, and going to a training session to get some more information. I just want to be ready to teach the course in the best possible way.

I am grateful for the experience, but will be happy to be in the arms of my love again.