It has been an interesting week. Met up with some individuals from my previous school and learned more than I thought I would ever learn about what happened there. Just as I thought I had begun to leave it behind it crept back up.
I have, in the past, likened it to a death of a close friend. There is the grieving process that we must all go through when we lose a close friend or family member. I, and other who had the rug pulled out from under us when we were given those letters of thank, but no thanks have been going through the same emotions as someone who loses someone close to them. We have been angry - definitely angry. Have cried, a lot. Been sad for reasons we can't quite put our fingers on. Felt a longing for what we miss and long for an understanding of why. Why me? Why us? It is very much like losing a large part of your family at once. One day you are there, with others who share your excitement and energy for the students and the next you are sent on your way to the next school.
For most of us, the next school hasn't been the big bag of chip we had hoped for. There were a few of us who were bouncing around at the beginning of the year. A couple who found themselves new homes outside the district, and others who have been fortunate to land somewhere decent. None of us, from those I have spoken with have landed anywhere we feel as comfortable as we did when we were in our previous school. The family has been broken up. We are mourning. My question: how long does one mourn? How long does a group mourn?
I was telling K, on the way to wrok the other day, that I don't have that feeling of need to go to work yet. Maybe need is not the word, maybe purpose, or maybe its the feeling of desire to be there. Before the break up of the family I found myself looking forward to most days. there are always days when you would rather be somewhere else, but most days I didn't dread going into work. The students were challenging, but it was rewarding. I wanted to give 110% of what I had to offer when I was at work.
Now - what am I there for? Who am I? I have made no real conections yet. I am not saying I have secluded myself, nor am I jumping out into the halls shaking hands and introducing my happy ass to everyone that walks by. This school has a different feel and it isn't a feeling I have gotten in touch with. I am actually not sure I ever will. the teachers I have talked with have said there isn't that family feel here. They don't step out into the halls greeting each other. They seem so isolated. How do I learn to deal with that?
I am in mourning, still. I yearn for my colleauges, my knowledge of my surroundings, my involvemnet, the feeling of belonging, and support. I mourn for a loss of innocence in the thought that education, that educators, are truly there for the students, that it isn't about politics, but about the students. I miss being able to teach.
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