The verdict is...

budget cuts! I have become a victim of budgets cuts. Not my current job, thankfully, but the prospective position. It is currently on hold pending budget reallocation. There has been a 10% cut across the board on their budget and they are holding off filling that particular position until they come to terms with the budget. I am ok with it. When the time is right we will get our chance. I was very fortunate to have positive contact with the individuals in charge of things there and I can only hope that when the time is right they will get back with me. I will be watching their website for any changes.

Another week about to begin....

and I still do not know where I stand with the new job prospect.

I am also at odds with the idea of being closer to my extended family. I have only told two members of my family, by now I know a couple more know by now, but I am beginning to wonder if its what it is what it is cracked up to be.

I took a step. I have applied for and feverishly gone after a position back in my hometown. I have a couple of friends who have been very happy at the prospect of me and my family coming back into town on a permanent basis. My father was genuinely happy when I told him. My sister, who would be living about 5 hours from me, was happy.

Reality bites.

My step-sister, of only 20 years, is being written about in the city newspaper. An article about her and breast cancer. She is fast approaching her 5 years in remission anniversary. This is cancer awareness week so it makes sense to highlight a positive outcome. Its an awesome thing. The problem... no one told me. Not even a mention of it. Why?

The first thought - its just me. No big deal. She doesn't want to know, she isn't involved, she doesn't care. Wrong on all accounts. They don't know me.

That is one thing I keep trying to remind myself. They don't really know me. I have been away for 20 years next year. I didn't grow up in my Dad's home. I shouldn't assume.... they do that enough.

I am confused.

Moving?

To move or not to move.... are we going to be given the chance to ask the question?

I am originally from the midwest. K from the east coast. we were both brought to Texas through the Navy, but we are happy to have had the chance because we met each other and have a great relationship.

We have been thinking about making a move for a very long time. When there has been an opening in other places, we really take a look to see if we should try to move.

Recently a position has come open in the town I grew up in. I have applied for the position. I have had some contact with the district and we are looking at the what ifs. We are not jumping up and down, whooping and hollering. What we are doing is taking a wait and see stance.

Wait and if... then what? Scary words.

A new opportunity...

There is a position open in the school district I attended as a child. In fact, it is at the high school I went to. We are seriously considering moving if the position is offered to me.

I have received two emails regarding the position already, one from the Executive director of HR and the other from the principal of the high school himself. I had emailed my letter of interest and my resume to him. I let him know that not only am I an a alum, but so is my father and several other family members.

One of the driving forces behind the move is that it would take us to a state in which K and I would have the full rights that come with being married. I would be able to provide her health care, we both would be able to not worry about what if the other ends up in the hospital, we would both be legally listed on the forms for our kids at the schools. Another force is the feelings of instability for us here. Recently it has been pushed to the forefront how unequal we are here. A same sex couple (a lawyer and a judge), in the next town over have been out into the limelight because of their relationship. It has been published that they have been together for 3 years, that they live in the same home, own no property together, yet call each other their partner. The lawyer was forced to resign her position because it was being argued that there was a conflict of interest because of this relationship. The fact of the matter is that there are several married couples who are never investigated for this and yet when the lawyer excused herself from a case involving her partners parents suing the city because of an accident with a city vehicle she is investigated for a possible conflict of interest. This is so wrong.

I work in the school district. K is working on her masters degree, but will be in a school district as well. Do we need to worry about this? Should we even have to worry about this? The answer is no - but we still do. We have to worry about stupid shit that "legally" married couples do not have to worry about.

Moving won't "fix" any problems, but moving to a state in which we are legally protected will sure make fighting stupidity easier.

Arguments

Is there such a thing as productive arguments? Arguments that do not undermine the relationship?

Is there a way to disagree and not be destructive?

I am searching for a way to be able to disagree/argue and not screw with the relationship. I have tried to go beyond the type of person I was in arguments of past. It has not been easy to change my bad habits.

I am that type of person that I will hold things in until they get to a point that I feel like I will bust. I don't want to be like that. It is destructive to me as well as my relationships. I have tried to be more "blunt." That is to say what I feel then and there and not let it build to the point that I am boiling over and cannot communicate effectively.

My last relationship I let everything go until that point. I let the little shit build up. I didn't step up and say I don't like this. Emotionally it destroyed me, but it was the way I saw things were suppose to be. Its small let it go. Its nothing big - let him have his way. What's the harm - it makes him happy.

Part of that continues. It makes her happy - let it go. Its nothing huge, let it go. I have tried to stop letting things get to a boiling point. To that point in which all the anger and hurt I have buried comes rushing out. Where the words I am trying to find to explain how I feel won't come out.

I feel like an emotional ping pong ball. Its not fair to without normal communications or walk around the house ignoring someone because they said something you disagree with. That is emotional blackmail. The silence is deafening. The point is clear. I am wrong - I say so and all is better. What about when I am not wrong?

What about then?

Random

It has been a while since I last posted. Getting back to school has made life busy here. I found out I wasn't going to be teaching my AP class and things got busy after that. I had classes to prep for that I hadn't had before.

L left for college... she is in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M. She is having a tough time, but she is doing well. She loves the band. Something we knew she would like. We took her up there on the 19th to check in and then we went back up a week later to see the whole unit during their step off and to have dinner with her.

We haven't been able to make it to an actual game, but I search for the half time show performance on You tube every Sunday morning.

Life is different without L here. We adjusted pretty quickly when R and M left last year. They were already in and out a lot due to school, sports, jobs, and girlfriends. L was different. Being younger she was a little less mature and hung around home a lot more. We were more dependent on her being here than we realized. We could leave the house and have a quick dinner together without worrying much. We could head into town to go shopping. We were able to talk to her.

I am proud of the path she has chosen, but I do miss her.

Renovation.... 101

This past week has been tough, physically and mentally.

I learned my AP class has been taken from me and I through myself into renovating the half bath. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but the carpet that was in there was pulled out, some hardi-backer was put down, and then tile went on top of that. Next thing to happen was the electrical plug was replaced and the light fixture updated. The one we had in there was the builder grade dressing room in your face type. Very annoying. Today a new paint job is happening. We would like to replace the mirror if possible and and some point the vanity itself.

The other thing going on is the pool. Trying to get the pool chemically set to allow the kids to jump in. It has been VERY hot here and having the pool up and running would be really good for them.

We are going to put in new mailbox this weekend as well. Someone has been messing with our mailbox and we are going to stop that problem now.

Mentally - hmmm lets see. The AP class thing was a blow. However, I will get over at some point.
L turning 18 has been tough. She and I have been ramming our heads together this summer. She is preparing to go into the Corps of Cadets, yet she isn't preparing. She has lagged on doing what needs to be done. That is everything from starting to run to checking on how to get access for her grandfather to help pay her tuition bill. I have, well had, been trying to push her along. Back in June K said stop. So I did. Then in July, L freaks out on us that no one cares, no one has helped, yada yada yada. K explains that she complained I bitched at her so much that she had me stop. L says what did you do that for? Catch 22. That's what it is. So I start pushing her along some more.

About 3 days ago she gets irked again. So I stop altogether. I have had enough. Enough of the disrespect. enough of the bitching, enough of the door slams, so I stopped talking to her. Done - finito, finished. I don't want the constant bickering in the house. I want the house to be peaceful again. I miss that.