It has been a long week. Let's back track some.
Thursday I left work early because of the pain in my hip was so bad I couldn't sit, stand, or walk without pain. I tried to see the doctor that day, but the wait was so long I sat there for over an hour and I still hadn't had my vitals read. So I left.
I went to my doctor the next morning. The doctor sent me for an xray. I took a half day off from work and went to get it done. The thoughts then were pulled muscle, ligament, or something along those lines. Monday morning - nothing. No results.
Monday afternoon the office gets to Kerry, saying they are trying to get to me. Seems the doctor wants me to come in for a follow up ASAP. OK scare the hell out of me why don't you. So I say I'll come on in. Nope - he has left for the day, first thing available in 8am Tuesday. So why tell me ASAP if he can't see me ASAP?
Tuesday morning 8 am:
I have cancer. Excuse me, say that again....
They have found lesions on my bone that indicate the presence of cancer. Cancer of this type and in this place isn't isolated to this place it would have to have metastasised. K turns white as the best cotton sheet I have ever seen. I feel like I have just grabbed ahold of a piano falling from.... somewhere higher than I ever want to freakin be. Get me the hell off this ride before it starts! I don't like horror movies, practical jokes, or unhappy endings - I don't want to be part of this story line.
He keeps talking about cancer..... I keep hearing cancer. Nothing else. No options. Just cancer. K is crying. I am crying. I am not sick! I can't be. No wait loss. No signs, nothing. I am healthy. Wake me the hell up.
He wants to send me for an MRI - get me in NOW! I tell him. Whatever it takes. He leaves the room to make some calls and I begin thinking things I don't want to think about. K, the kids, my family, omg how do I tell my parents? The kids? What will happen.....
I am not alone. K is telling me she is there, no matter what. I honestly hadn't thought anything else. The thought she wouldn't be there hadn't cross my mind. But a whole bunch of other shit had.
1pm - thats the soonest they can get me in. OK - I'll be there. I'll go the my classroom. get things in order for a sub, keep myself busy to stop myself from going nuts, call family... shit what do you say? What the hell do I say?
K and I make plans to meet up in my classroom before going to the radiology place together. She is going to be there as I am going through the MRI.
We get into our vehicles and I am alone.
More thinking.
STOP!
I have to call my parents. I have to give them some warning.
There is no great way to start this type of conversation. "Good morning all.... umm doc says I have cancer." That just sounds wrong. Don't ask what I said because I couldn't recall much if I tried.
I spoke with my mother and step mother. Who in turn called others. My two sisters called me. Everyone sends their good thoughts. K begins to call - omg who didn't she call.
1pm - MRI
Only 45 minutes in this machine. I can handle it. I have to know what is going on inside my hip. I have to know. Oldies music - good choice to listen to while that loud ass machine shoots lasers at me trying to see whats going on. Half way through they change some things on me. Radiologists want to add iodine to my system. That wasn't in the Rx I tell the tech. No, but they want to add it if you'll consent. Ummmmm..... yeah. Then I lay there thinking.... OH SHIT!! They would only do this if they already saw something and want to get a closer look.
230pm - I walk out - arm bruised (he missed my veins 3 times) and K is nervous. I didn't know the time. 45 minute test took 90 minutes. Now the wait begins.
The calls come - do you have news. None. Everyone is angry with the doctor. Why only cancer? Why not something else? WHY!!!!
5pm - office hours over. I called - nothing yet, they have asked for the pre-lim results to be faxed but they don't think he will talk to me about pre-lim results. I said have him call.
Waiting continues.
534pm We have given up hearing anything. K calls her mom, we begin making plans for dinner, the phone rings. Its the doctor.
"Inflammatory Osteoarthristis"
I do not have cancer. He single handedly scared the whole hell out of me and many members of my extended family. But then end result is I can live with this.... I can manage this.
I love my life!!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
On your mark.... get ready....
GO!
Another week begins for me in about 8 hours. I will again walk into a classroom that I do not feel completely comfortable in, with students whose names I am still learning, and in a school that I am not so sure I belong in.
I have had a nice quiet weekend despite what this next week brings and what came about last week. I will start the new week with a postivie outlook. I will mail home letters to parents of students who are miserably failing my class due to their lack of work ethic asking for their assistance in turning their child's current situation around. I do not know ow many of them I will get an actual response from..... but I will try. That is all I can really do, right? Try.
Another week begins for me in about 8 hours. I will again walk into a classroom that I do not feel completely comfortable in, with students whose names I am still learning, and in a school that I am not so sure I belong in.
I have had a nice quiet weekend despite what this next week brings and what came about last week. I will start the new week with a postivie outlook. I will mail home letters to parents of students who are miserably failing my class due to their lack of work ethic asking for their assistance in turning their child's current situation around. I do not know ow many of them I will get an actual response from..... but I will try. That is all I can really do, right? Try.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
And the beat goes on......
It has been an interesting week. Met up with some individuals from my previous school and learned more than I thought I would ever learn about what happened there. Just as I thought I had begun to leave it behind it crept back up.
I have, in the past, likened it to a death of a close friend. There is the grieving process that we must all go through when we lose a close friend or family member. I, and other who had the rug pulled out from under us when we were given those letters of thank, but no thanks have been going through the same emotions as someone who loses someone close to them. We have been angry - definitely angry. Have cried, a lot. Been sad for reasons we can't quite put our fingers on. Felt a longing for what we miss and long for an understanding of why. Why me? Why us? It is very much like losing a large part of your family at once. One day you are there, with others who share your excitement and energy for the students and the next you are sent on your way to the next school.
For most of us, the next school hasn't been the big bag of chip we had hoped for. There were a few of us who were bouncing around at the beginning of the year. A couple who found themselves new homes outside the district, and others who have been fortunate to land somewhere decent. None of us, from those I have spoken with have landed anywhere we feel as comfortable as we did when we were in our previous school. The family has been broken up. We are mourning. My question: how long does one mourn? How long does a group mourn?
I was telling K, on the way to wrok the other day, that I don't have that feeling of need to go to work yet. Maybe need is not the word, maybe purpose, or maybe its the feeling of desire to be there. Before the break up of the family I found myself looking forward to most days. there are always days when you would rather be somewhere else, but most days I didn't dread going into work. The students were challenging, but it was rewarding. I wanted to give 110% of what I had to offer when I was at work.
Now - what am I there for? Who am I? I have made no real conections yet. I am not saying I have secluded myself, nor am I jumping out into the halls shaking hands and introducing my happy ass to everyone that walks by. This school has a different feel and it isn't a feeling I have gotten in touch with. I am actually not sure I ever will. the teachers I have talked with have said there isn't that family feel here. They don't step out into the halls greeting each other. They seem so isolated. How do I learn to deal with that?
I am in mourning, still. I yearn for my colleauges, my knowledge of my surroundings, my involvemnet, the feeling of belonging, and support. I mourn for a loss of innocence in the thought that education, that educators, are truly there for the students, that it isn't about politics, but about the students. I miss being able to teach.
I have, in the past, likened it to a death of a close friend. There is the grieving process that we must all go through when we lose a close friend or family member. I, and other who had the rug pulled out from under us when we were given those letters of thank, but no thanks have been going through the same emotions as someone who loses someone close to them. We have been angry - definitely angry. Have cried, a lot. Been sad for reasons we can't quite put our fingers on. Felt a longing for what we miss and long for an understanding of why. Why me? Why us? It is very much like losing a large part of your family at once. One day you are there, with others who share your excitement and energy for the students and the next you are sent on your way to the next school.
For most of us, the next school hasn't been the big bag of chip we had hoped for. There were a few of us who were bouncing around at the beginning of the year. A couple who found themselves new homes outside the district, and others who have been fortunate to land somewhere decent. None of us, from those I have spoken with have landed anywhere we feel as comfortable as we did when we were in our previous school. The family has been broken up. We are mourning. My question: how long does one mourn? How long does a group mourn?
I was telling K, on the way to wrok the other day, that I don't have that feeling of need to go to work yet. Maybe need is not the word, maybe purpose, or maybe its the feeling of desire to be there. Before the break up of the family I found myself looking forward to most days. there are always days when you would rather be somewhere else, but most days I didn't dread going into work. The students were challenging, but it was rewarding. I wanted to give 110% of what I had to offer when I was at work.
Now - what am I there for? Who am I? I have made no real conections yet. I am not saying I have secluded myself, nor am I jumping out into the halls shaking hands and introducing my happy ass to everyone that walks by. This school has a different feel and it isn't a feeling I have gotten in touch with. I am actually not sure I ever will. the teachers I have talked with have said there isn't that family feel here. They don't step out into the halls greeting each other. They seem so isolated. How do I learn to deal with that?
I am in mourning, still. I yearn for my colleauges, my knowledge of my surroundings, my involvemnet, the feeling of belonging, and support. I mourn for a loss of innocence in the thought that education, that educators, are truly there for the students, that it isn't about politics, but about the students. I miss being able to teach.
Monday, October 22, 2007
18 already?
Tomorrow our eldest turns 18. Now R is K's biological son, so she has been around him a few years longer than I. I inherited him after the diaper changing, burping, colicky, snot noses, time to learn to ride a bike stage, by none the less he is our eldest. I came into his life right after he turned 9. Hard to believe it has been that long.
R and I have not always gotten along well. In fact there have been quite a few rough patches. He's never been to pleased with me being around and I haven't been too pleased with his attitude. I genuinely worry that he doesn't know enough about the basics. The little things, like changing a tire, putting air into one (yes, I am being honest here. We have learned he may not know how to put air into a tire.) I have had many discussions with K - some of them a little heated - on the fact that R doesn't quite know how to use elbow grease to get things done. Mind you, he isn't a book worm or a science geek by any form of the word, but he has this attitude that someone else can handle it.
Actually its the attitude that it is someone else's problem and if it is trully mine I will pay someone to do it for me. This BUGS me. ALOT!! He did not pick this up from me, nor K. In fact I do a lot of the work around the house myself, whenever possible. The new dishwasher, stove, water heater, and washer/dryer was all installed without calling a repair man. Why pay them when you can do it yourself is my thought.
I wouldl ike to say that R willingly helps out around the house, but he doesn't. Which leads me to the other part of his attitude. It isn't my problem - I don't have to help anyone. He has this attitude that he doean't have to or won'tjust help out. I don't get it, nor do I know how to help it.
So now, in 45 minutes he is 18. What changes? I am not sure. K feels a bit older right now. She isn't ready for him to be 18. I feel, well, like somewhere we missed something.
R and I don't have a great relationship - unfortunately, we most likely never will. There were too many things against us. His being a child who needed to dislike anything and anyone that burst that dream that his parents would get back together didn't help. His father talking crap only made it worse.
My hope is that he turns 18 gracefully. That he doesn't try to be a big bad adult too soon and pulls the "I'm a man" jeans on very slowly. That he learns the little things before he realizes he missed them when it costs him more than he can afford and that at some point he realizes that I wasn't such a bad person after all. That I only tried to help, that I cared enough to stay when I never had to.
R and I have not always gotten along well. In fact there have been quite a few rough patches. He's never been to pleased with me being around and I haven't been too pleased with his attitude. I genuinely worry that he doesn't know enough about the basics. The little things, like changing a tire, putting air into one (yes, I am being honest here. We have learned he may not know how to put air into a tire.) I have had many discussions with K - some of them a little heated - on the fact that R doesn't quite know how to use elbow grease to get things done. Mind you, he isn't a book worm or a science geek by any form of the word, but he has this attitude that someone else can handle it.
Actually its the attitude that it is someone else's problem and if it is trully mine I will pay someone to do it for me. This BUGS me. ALOT!! He did not pick this up from me, nor K. In fact I do a lot of the work around the house myself, whenever possible. The new dishwasher, stove, water heater, and washer/dryer was all installed without calling a repair man. Why pay them when you can do it yourself is my thought.
I wouldl ike to say that R willingly helps out around the house, but he doesn't. Which leads me to the other part of his attitude. It isn't my problem - I don't have to help anyone. He has this attitude that he doean't have to or won'tjust help out. I don't get it, nor do I know how to help it.
So now, in 45 minutes he is 18. What changes? I am not sure. K feels a bit older right now. She isn't ready for him to be 18. I feel, well, like somewhere we missed something.
R and I don't have a great relationship - unfortunately, we most likely never will. There were too many things against us. His being a child who needed to dislike anything and anyone that burst that dream that his parents would get back together didn't help. His father talking crap only made it worse.
My hope is that he turns 18 gracefully. That he doesn't try to be a big bad adult too soon and pulls the "I'm a man" jeans on very slowly. That he learns the little things before he realizes he missed them when it costs him more than he can afford and that at some point he realizes that I wasn't such a bad person after all. That I only tried to help, that I cared enough to stay when I never had to.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Educated does not mean Ethical
I admit, I am glad the week is over. I have had a long week that should not have been as stressful as it was. The problem wasn't even the students I have to deal with. These issues were all educated people created.
As an educator you are expected to follow certain ethical codes. Not just your basic no lying, cheating, or sleeping with student ethics (those should be the easier ones to abide by truthfully.) There are those other things such as keeping your mouth shut about students. Not be derogatory no matter how awful your experience may have been with said student. Another is to be fair. Yes, in the education of children it is expected that each child is treated fair and as equal as possible. I say as possible because there are those special cases in which students with challenges have modifications and accommodations given to them that are not given to the child with a 130+ IQ.
My challenge this week has been to deal with teachers of lower ethical standards in the way the address students. I believe I mentioned earlier about my instant class load. I was given 6 classes. They are now my responsibility. The previous teacher has no further responsibility for the child's grades as of the day they were officially put on my roll. So, my question, why is it that 4 days after they became I my classes were failing grades put into the system and these students give progress reports with my name listed next to these grades that I did not generate? The first answer I got was "Things happen. Must have been a computer glitch."
To further my problem, why is it that the man who has been found to have done it, one of the prior teachers, and now a part-time administrator, found it necessary to comment that the students he gave failing grades to were worthless anyhow. He has never given me the students prior grades. The only reason I have any of them is due to the fact that the student teacher I now have was with him and he had access to the grades and copied them before the transfers took place.
How is it that a person who has this view of our student, of any student, has been given the position of leader, in ANY capacity!? I realize we have our challenging students. However challenging they may be he has the ethical responsibility to act as a leader in education and keep his personal opinion to himself and keep his big mouth shut! He is in a leadership role then breaks not only ethical rules but possible laws by entering grades that were attached to my name. Grades I am accountable for.
So what do I do? Its an interesting question. I know I need to cover my own ass.
Problem two this week started out not as a problem.... but ended up that way.
I was finally given a day to plan. I was told my classes would be covered, that there would be a sub. Well, I got some planning done, then I found out that some of my classes were missing subs. I hadn't been given a sub as previously mentioned, but in fact my classes were assigned different subs for each period. They were pulling subs from teachers during the off periods to cover my class. Wouldn't be a problem if they were making sure the classes were being covered. I have classes that weren't covered. I had classes sitting there without supervision.
When asked what happened my student teacher was told, "Things happen."
Oh yeah, things happen - things happen in a classroom of freshmen with no adult supervision. Things happen that can cause physical harm in a class that contains known gang members without adult supervision.
Things happen alright!
Oh and to top it all off - my two books for class seem to have grown legs and walked off. I slightly need them to prepare my lectures. I have checked at home, where I thought I left them, and have looked in my classroom. I need to find a nice way to ask my student teacher if he has them. If I can't find them soon I will have to go buy new ones.
But hey... Things happen!
As an educator you are expected to follow certain ethical codes. Not just your basic no lying, cheating, or sleeping with student ethics (those should be the easier ones to abide by truthfully.) There are those other things such as keeping your mouth shut about students. Not be derogatory no matter how awful your experience may have been with said student. Another is to be fair. Yes, in the education of children it is expected that each child is treated fair and as equal as possible. I say as possible because there are those special cases in which students with challenges have modifications and accommodations given to them that are not given to the child with a 130+ IQ.
My challenge this week has been to deal with teachers of lower ethical standards in the way the address students. I believe I mentioned earlier about my instant class load. I was given 6 classes. They are now my responsibility. The previous teacher has no further responsibility for the child's grades as of the day they were officially put on my roll. So, my question, why is it that 4 days after they became I my classes were failing grades put into the system and these students give progress reports with my name listed next to these grades that I did not generate? The first answer I got was "Things happen. Must have been a computer glitch."
To further my problem, why is it that the man who has been found to have done it, one of the prior teachers, and now a part-time administrator, found it necessary to comment that the students he gave failing grades to were worthless anyhow. He has never given me the students prior grades. The only reason I have any of them is due to the fact that the student teacher I now have was with him and he had access to the grades and copied them before the transfers took place.
How is it that a person who has this view of our student, of any student, has been given the position of leader, in ANY capacity!? I realize we have our challenging students. However challenging they may be he has the ethical responsibility to act as a leader in education and keep his personal opinion to himself and keep his big mouth shut! He is in a leadership role then breaks not only ethical rules but possible laws by entering grades that were attached to my name. Grades I am accountable for.
So what do I do? Its an interesting question. I know I need to cover my own ass.
Problem two this week started out not as a problem.... but ended up that way.
I was finally given a day to plan. I was told my classes would be covered, that there would be a sub. Well, I got some planning done, then I found out that some of my classes were missing subs. I hadn't been given a sub as previously mentioned, but in fact my classes were assigned different subs for each period. They were pulling subs from teachers during the off periods to cover my class. Wouldn't be a problem if they were making sure the classes were being covered. I have classes that weren't covered. I had classes sitting there without supervision.
When asked what happened my student teacher was told, "Things happen."
Oh yeah, things happen - things happen in a classroom of freshmen with no adult supervision. Things happen that can cause physical harm in a class that contains known gang members without adult supervision.
Things happen alright!
Oh and to top it all off - my two books for class seem to have grown legs and walked off. I slightly need them to prepare my lectures. I have checked at home, where I thought I left them, and have looked in my classroom. I need to find a nice way to ask my student teacher if he has them. If I can't find them soon I will have to go buy new ones.
But hey... Things happen!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Friendship
A Friend sent this, thought I'd share.
"True Friendship" (With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
"True Friendship" (With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
So who had the damn bright idea to slow down the production of oil and ethanol? I realize we have fosil fuel issues, hello I teach about it, but I also have bank account issues. How are we suppose to sustain our budget paying $2.50 plus, no make that $2.60 plus a gallon of gas? I would be more than happy to use alternative fuels if they were made available to me. Ethanol, I am all for it - can't get it in this area.
I'd drive a hybrid, if I could afford to buy one. I would ride a motorcycle - but K is VERY against that. Too many people have been killed in this area by people who do not riders. Riding to work everyday would save us on gas, but would cause fear for her.
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