Arguments

Is there such a thing as productive arguments? Arguments that do not undermine the relationship?

Is there a way to disagree and not be destructive?

I am searching for a way to be able to disagree/argue and not screw with the relationship. I have tried to go beyond the type of person I was in arguments of past. It has not been easy to change my bad habits.

I am that type of person that I will hold things in until they get to a point that I feel like I will bust. I don't want to be like that. It is destructive to me as well as my relationships. I have tried to be more "blunt." That is to say what I feel then and there and not let it build to the point that I am boiling over and cannot communicate effectively.

My last relationship I let everything go until that point. I let the little shit build up. I didn't step up and say I don't like this. Emotionally it destroyed me, but it was the way I saw things were suppose to be. Its small let it go. Its nothing big - let him have his way. What's the harm - it makes him happy.

Part of that continues. It makes her happy - let it go. Its nothing huge, let it go. I have tried to stop letting things get to a boiling point. To that point in which all the anger and hurt I have buried comes rushing out. Where the words I am trying to find to explain how I feel won't come out.

I feel like an emotional ping pong ball. Its not fair to without normal communications or walk around the house ignoring someone because they said something you disagree with. That is emotional blackmail. The silence is deafening. The point is clear. I am wrong - I say so and all is better. What about when I am not wrong?

What about then?

Random

It has been a while since I last posted. Getting back to school has made life busy here. I found out I wasn't going to be teaching my AP class and things got busy after that. I had classes to prep for that I hadn't had before.

L left for college... she is in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M. She is having a tough time, but she is doing well. She loves the band. Something we knew she would like. We took her up there on the 19th to check in and then we went back up a week later to see the whole unit during their step off and to have dinner with her.

We haven't been able to make it to an actual game, but I search for the half time show performance on You tube every Sunday morning.

Life is different without L here. We adjusted pretty quickly when R and M left last year. They were already in and out a lot due to school, sports, jobs, and girlfriends. L was different. Being younger she was a little less mature and hung around home a lot more. We were more dependent on her being here than we realized. We could leave the house and have a quick dinner together without worrying much. We could head into town to go shopping. We were able to talk to her.

I am proud of the path she has chosen, but I do miss her.

Renovation.... 101

This past week has been tough, physically and mentally.

I learned my AP class has been taken from me and I through myself into renovating the half bath. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but the carpet that was in there was pulled out, some hardi-backer was put down, and then tile went on top of that. Next thing to happen was the electrical plug was replaced and the light fixture updated. The one we had in there was the builder grade dressing room in your face type. Very annoying. Today a new paint job is happening. We would like to replace the mirror if possible and and some point the vanity itself.

The other thing going on is the pool. Trying to get the pool chemically set to allow the kids to jump in. It has been VERY hot here and having the pool up and running would be really good for them.

We are going to put in new mailbox this weekend as well. Someone has been messing with our mailbox and we are going to stop that problem now.

Mentally - hmmm lets see. The AP class thing was a blow. However, I will get over at some point.
L turning 18 has been tough. She and I have been ramming our heads together this summer. She is preparing to go into the Corps of Cadets, yet she isn't preparing. She has lagged on doing what needs to be done. That is everything from starting to run to checking on how to get access for her grandfather to help pay her tuition bill. I have, well had, been trying to push her along. Back in June K said stop. So I did. Then in July, L freaks out on us that no one cares, no one has helped, yada yada yada. K explains that she complained I bitched at her so much that she had me stop. L says what did you do that for? Catch 22. That's what it is. So I start pushing her along some more.

About 3 days ago she gets irked again. So I stop altogether. I have had enough. Enough of the disrespect. enough of the bitching, enough of the door slams, so I stopped talking to her. Done - finito, finished. I don't want the constant bickering in the house. I want the house to be peaceful again. I miss that.

Friends?

While I was growing up, prior to the divorce of my parents, I had a solid blue collar life. I moved a couple times, but I don't remember worrying about things.

I had one consistent set of friends. A brother and sister that I can, to this day, remember having been around my family since before I can remember. Their parents were friends with my parents. My Dad and their Dad worked together at the bakery before the bakery shut down.

After my parents divorce, things were different. Dad got the friends in the divorce and Mom liked to keep the kids from Dad.

After the divorce I lost touch with those two. Ever so often I would be able to meet up with them, but my life had drastically changed. I was no longer the kids from a blue collar family. I was now the oldest child of a family on welfare. The oldest child of a mother who couldn't seem to find someone to love her.

I got the short end of the stick growing up. There are people who had it much worse that I did. I do realize that. However I have also come to realize that I do not make friends well. I do not seem to socialize well. I do ok - but I could have done better.

My childhood is my past. It is something I cannot get rid of, but also something I do not want to define me now. How do I reconcile the past and continue on without feeling the loss of something?

What a month!

In this past month we have been to Iowa, stayed ten full day, came home to missing mail, and ants invading our a/c unit. Yes, ants can interrupt the proper mechanical function of an air conditioning unit.

We went up to Iowa to spend some time with my family. Thought it would be a great thing. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't what we thought it would be either. I really did enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephews. It was the first time I was able to meet a couple of them and it was nice.

We spent the first few days on the east side of Iowa and then headed to the West side of Iowa to spend some time with the other side of the family and visit some friends that I hadn't seen in awhile. Which was really nice.

I was able to talk to the one cousin that I was the closest to growing up. We exchanged phone numbers to keep in touch better than we have before. Which will be really nice. So much has changed.

I was also able to visit two of my uncles who were able to give me information regarding my family trees. I was able to fill in some blanks that I thought I had hit brick walls with.

Next on my agenda is to finish my syllabi for this coming school year, fix the pool, and finish the blanket I started maing for my youngest sister's soon to be newest child. (She can stop having children until she marries someone now!)

Vacations and extended family = oil and water

Vacations.... is there really such a thing?

We have been away from home since last Thursday and I am more tired now than I was last week. A vacation does not mean you will rest. A vacation means you will leave the comfort of your own bed and hope you have some fun along the way and make some great memories.

What was I thinking coming to visit extended family? Did I really think they would look at me differently? Treat me differently?

I had hoped. My head knows better - my heart only aches for acceptance.

Summer...

Summer is in full swing. We are back home and trying to decide what needs to get done around the house.

The pool isn't done yet. Still needs cleaned. The yard needs mowed and there are a few small jobs around the house that really need to be done. For me the idea is to get the kids involved in getting some of these things done. I am not sure they like that idea.

I have to begin planning for the school year as well. I am honestly a bit lazy about doing that because I do not want to begin planning for something that I may not teach. That would be a complete waste of time for me. Why prepare for something I will not be teaching?

L is now on her own for prepping for the Corps of Cadets. After mush discussion we have decided that she needs to prepare for this on her own. She wants to fight us all the way. She doesn't know if she likes the help or hates the help. So we aren't going to help her at all with it. If she wants this she is going to have to work for it. It is something she needs to be fighting for herself. We won't be there in the fall.

K and I are really looking at the Houston area for a move. Right now I think we are just looking for a move to an area we don't feel so claustrophobic. We want to be able to be out more. I am nervous that moving isn't gong to solve as many problems as we hope it will. Maybe I am woorried about nothing, but the concerns are there. there is a concern that stay here is just as bad.