It's been a while

I hadn't realized its been just about three months since I posted last.... time flies, sometimes.

Second semester is now in its last nine weeks, thankfully. Vacation is a mere 38 work days away. Teaching freshmen has not gotten easier with the passing of the school year. Those of you out there who told me it would LIED! It does not.

My observation/evaluation is fast approaching. For those of you who do not go through this, it is an hour of show and tell. Show them I can teach and then they tell me if I get to keep my job. Fun huh?

Work, is well work. I have good days, no, make that good classes. I can't really pinpoint a full good day. At least not recently. Wait - the weekends. ;) My classes go up and down. Each class has its own emotional make-up and I have to change what I am doing, saying, and the way I interact with them as the classes change. Like bungy PMS.

With the end of the year approaching I am again in the position in which I must decide if I want to really try to get a position in administration. Again there are pros and cons. There are also pros and cons about staying in the classroom. I already have a clue about what I will be teaching next year. Drum roll....... FRESHMEN!! More freshmen. I am not happy teaching them this year, what the hell makes anyone think I will be happy teaching them next year. Oh yeah, I get more time to plan - something I haven't had time to do in the past 2 years. For the past two years I have been told all of 2 days prior to beginning to teach, what I will be teaching. That, btw, is not enough time. Those of you who think teaching is like cutting cookies you are wrong. We aren't just handed curriculum or given premade awesome lectures and activities and sent to our wonderfully put together classrooms. We, the teachers, work our asses off to make it look as it as it looks. However, do not be fooled, it IS NOT easy!!

Education..... why am I trying again?

Ok I finished my Master's degree this summer. YEAH! However, I realized that it limited me in what direction I can go. With my current Master's degree I can go into education administration. Not a bad move monetarily, but it can be stressful, and it can be difficult to get your foot in the door. So I decided I should go back and get a few more classes towards my Master's in Curriculum and Instruction.

I have no plans to specifically use this degree mind you. The idea is that during the course of obtaining this degree I will achieve completion of the 18 graduate credit hours in history needed to allow me to teach at the college level. I have my master's, but it isn't what the colleges want in order for me to move in that direction to teach. So..... get the 6 classes under my belt. Seems easy right?

Not.

I am stuck in limbo. Turns out the money to pay for my classes is there, but because the degree plan I had previously signed is what they considered outdated, my money is not being credited to my account. This bites.

To make matters worse classes begin this week and I working, therefore it is tough for me to make it out to the University to straighten anything out.

I have a glimmer of hope. The department chair has begun emailing me to try to get a degree plan worked out so that this situation is fixed tomorrow. I sure hope so!


I must be nuts. Trying to take college courses right now.

2008? Already?

I can't believe its 2008?
It has been forever since I posted, but I thought - whose really reading anyhow?

Well I am back to being the only teacher in the classroom. Which at first actually scared me a bit, it had been a while. Once I got on my feet I was good to go. I sill have some speed bumps to get over, but it is getting better. I have to sit and plan out some long term lessons though. Finding the time I need to do that is tough. I have three different subjects to plan and each of them will take a good chunk of time to plan. I don't think I am doing enough. In fact I was commenting earlier today that I would want the type of teacher I am right now to be teaching my kids. I was told I am being hard on myself. Maybe I am, but I expect more and I am not doing so hot.

The Christmas break has come and gone. Rumor has it that the freshmen get easier to deal with after christmas..... ummm when? How long after Christmas before this mysterious change? I am still waiting. Maybe they are too. I have not fully found myself in this classroom. Does that make sense to anyone? How can it when it isn't crystal clear for myself? Its foggy for me.

Foggy in the sense that I am not me in the classroom. Not a comfortable me. I am not comfortable in the new high school, in this new classroom. I have not been able to make the room mine. It doesn't feel like my classroom.

It isn't for lack of trying. I mean I have begun to paint the walls, to give it a fresh look. I have decorated the door. I have arranged some of the furniture, but I do not feel comfortable in the room. I do not know what I am missing. Vern? Frank? Trading Spaces or maybe while you were out can help me. Then I think - if I can't help me what makes me think they can help. I do not know how to get my feet solidly back on the classroom floor.

It is 2008 and I still do not know which direction I am headed. I hope to find that direction in 2008. I want to be a better teacher, better mother, better wife, better lover, better friend, be a better me. (Losing some weight along the way would be nice to.)

I am thankful for the family I have. We have weathered through some tough times. My immediate family is strong, even with the tugs and pulls we have had; my extended family - a few cousins here and there have really begun to come together too. It has been realy nice to reach out and talk to them. I have a great group of friends. Everywhere from LA. to NE and down to TX. Thanks everyone!

My wife - she's awesome. 6 months today. WOW! We didn't think we would get a ceremony and now look at us. Love ya!

2008 - its underway - can we get time to slow down so we can enjoy it more?

Doctors..... good vs evil

It has been a long week. Let's back track some.

Thursday I left work early because of the pain in my hip was so bad I couldn't sit, stand, or walk without pain. I tried to see the doctor that day, but the wait was so long I sat there for over an hour and I still hadn't had my vitals read. So I left.

I went to my doctor the next morning. The doctor sent me for an xray. I took a half day off from work and went to get it done. The thoughts then were pulled muscle, ligament, or something along those lines. Monday morning - nothing. No results.

Monday afternoon the office gets to Kerry, saying they are trying to get to me. Seems the doctor wants me to come in for a follow up ASAP. OK scare the hell out of me why don't you. So I say I'll come on in. Nope - he has left for the day, first thing available in 8am Tuesday. So why tell me ASAP if he can't see me ASAP?

Tuesday morning 8 am:

I have cancer. Excuse me, say that again....

They have found lesions on my bone that indicate the presence of cancer. Cancer of this type and in this place isn't isolated to this place it would have to have metastasised. K turns white as the best cotton sheet I have ever seen. I feel like I have just grabbed ahold of a piano falling from.... somewhere higher than I ever want to freakin be. Get me the hell off this ride before it starts! I don't like horror movies, practical jokes, or unhappy endings - I don't want to be part of this story line.

He keeps talking about cancer..... I keep hearing cancer. Nothing else. No options. Just cancer. K is crying. I am crying. I am not sick! I can't be. No wait loss. No signs, nothing. I am healthy. Wake me the hell up.

He wants to send me for an MRI - get me in NOW! I tell him. Whatever it takes. He leaves the room to make some calls and I begin thinking things I don't want to think about. K, the kids, my family, omg how do I tell my parents? The kids? What will happen.....

I am not alone. K is telling me she is there, no matter what. I honestly hadn't thought anything else. The thought she wouldn't be there hadn't cross my mind. But a whole bunch of other shit had.

1pm - thats the soonest they can get me in. OK - I'll be there. I'll go the my classroom. get things in order for a sub, keep myself busy to stop myself from going nuts, call family... shit what do you say? What the hell do I say?

K and I make plans to meet up in my classroom before going to the radiology place together. She is going to be there as I am going through the MRI.

We get into our vehicles and I am alone.
More thinking.
STOP!
I have to call my parents. I have to give them some warning.

There is no great way to start this type of conversation. "Good morning all.... umm doc says I have cancer." That just sounds wrong. Don't ask what I said because I couldn't recall much if I tried.

I spoke with my mother and step mother. Who in turn called others. My two sisters called me. Everyone sends their good thoughts. K begins to call - omg who didn't she call.

1pm - MRI
Only 45 minutes in this machine. I can handle it. I have to know what is going on inside my hip. I have to know. Oldies music - good choice to listen to while that loud ass machine shoots lasers at me trying to see whats going on. Half way through they change some things on me. Radiologists want to add iodine to my system. That wasn't in the Rx I tell the tech. No, but they want to add it if you'll consent. Ummmmm..... yeah. Then I lay there thinking.... OH SHIT!! They would only do this if they already saw something and want to get a closer look.

230pm - I walk out - arm bruised (he missed my veins 3 times) and K is nervous. I didn't know the time. 45 minute test took 90 minutes. Now the wait begins.

The calls come - do you have news. None. Everyone is angry with the doctor. Why only cancer? Why not something else? WHY!!!!

5pm - office hours over. I called - nothing yet, they have asked for the pre-lim results to be faxed but they don't think he will talk to me about pre-lim results. I said have him call.
Waiting continues.

534pm We have given up hearing anything. K calls her mom, we begin making plans for dinner, the phone rings. Its the doctor.

"Inflammatory Osteoarthristis"

I do not have cancer. He single handedly scared the whole hell out of me and many members of my extended family. But then end result is I can live with this.... I can manage this.

I love my life!!

On your mark.... get ready....

GO!

Another week begins for me in about 8 hours. I will again walk into a classroom that I do not feel completely comfortable in, with students whose names I am still learning, and in a school that I am not so sure I belong in.

I have had a nice quiet weekend despite what this next week brings and what came about last week. I will start the new week with a postivie outlook. I will mail home letters to parents of students who are miserably failing my class due to their lack of work ethic asking for their assistance in turning their child's current situation around. I do not know ow many of them I will get an actual response from..... but I will try. That is all I can really do, right? Try.

And the beat goes on......

It has been an interesting week. Met up with some individuals from my previous school and learned more than I thought I would ever learn about what happened there. Just as I thought I had begun to leave it behind it crept back up.

I have, in the past, likened it to a death of a close friend. There is the grieving process that we must all go through when we lose a close friend or family member. I, and other who had the rug pulled out from under us when we were given those letters of thank, but no thanks have been going through the same emotions as someone who loses someone close to them. We have been angry - definitely angry. Have cried, a lot. Been sad for reasons we can't quite put our fingers on. Felt a longing for what we miss and long for an understanding of why. Why me? Why us? It is very much like losing a large part of your family at once. One day you are there, with others who share your excitement and energy for the students and the next you are sent on your way to the next school.

For most of us, the next school hasn't been the big bag of chip we had hoped for. There were a few of us who were bouncing around at the beginning of the year. A couple who found themselves new homes outside the district, and others who have been fortunate to land somewhere decent. None of us, from those I have spoken with have landed anywhere we feel as comfortable as we did when we were in our previous school. The family has been broken up. We are mourning. My question: how long does one mourn? How long does a group mourn?

I was telling K, on the way to wrok the other day, that I don't have that feeling of need to go to work yet. Maybe need is not the word, maybe purpose, or maybe its the feeling of desire to be there. Before the break up of the family I found myself looking forward to most days. there are always days when you would rather be somewhere else, but most days I didn't dread going into work. The students were challenging, but it was rewarding. I wanted to give 110% of what I had to offer when I was at work.

Now - what am I there for? Who am I? I have made no real conections yet. I am not saying I have secluded myself, nor am I jumping out into the halls shaking hands and introducing my happy ass to everyone that walks by. This school has a different feel and it isn't a feeling I have gotten in touch with. I am actually not sure I ever will. the teachers I have talked with have said there isn't that family feel here. They don't step out into the halls greeting each other. They seem so isolated. How do I learn to deal with that?

I am in mourning, still. I yearn for my colleauges, my knowledge of my surroundings, my involvemnet, the feeling of belonging, and support. I mourn for a loss of innocence in the thought that education, that educators, are truly there for the students, that it isn't about politics, but about the students. I miss being able to teach.

18 already?

Tomorrow our eldest turns 18. Now R is K's biological son, so she has been around him a few years longer than I. I inherited him after the diaper changing, burping, colicky, snot noses, time to learn to ride a bike stage, by none the less he is our eldest. I came into his life right after he turned 9. Hard to believe it has been that long.

R and I have not always gotten along well. In fact there have been quite a few rough patches. He's never been to pleased with me being around and I haven't been too pleased with his attitude. I genuinely worry that he doesn't know enough about the basics. The little things, like changing a tire, putting air into one (yes, I am being honest here. We have learned he may not know how to put air into a tire.) I have had many discussions with K - some of them a little heated - on the fact that R doesn't quite know how to use elbow grease to get things done. Mind you, he isn't a book worm or a science geek by any form of the word, but he has this attitude that someone else can handle it.

Actually its the attitude that it is someone else's problem and if it is trully mine I will pay someone to do it for me. This BUGS me. ALOT!! He did not pick this up from me, nor K. In fact I do a lot of the work around the house myself, whenever possible. The new dishwasher, stove, water heater, and washer/dryer was all installed without calling a repair man. Why pay them when you can do it yourself is my thought.

I wouldl ike to say that R willingly helps out around the house, but he doesn't. Which leads me to the other part of his attitude. It isn't my problem - I don't have to help anyone. He has this attitude that he doean't have to or won'tjust help out. I don't get it, nor do I know how to help it.

So now, in 45 minutes he is 18. What changes? I am not sure. K feels a bit older right now. She isn't ready for him to be 18. I feel, well, like somewhere we missed something.

R and I don't have a great relationship - unfortunately, we most likely never will. There were too many things against us. His being a child who needed to dislike anything and anyone that burst that dream that his parents would get back together didn't help. His father talking crap only made it worse.

My hope is that he turns 18 gracefully. That he doesn't try to be a big bad adult too soon and pulls the "I'm a man" jeans on very slowly. That he learns the little things before he realizes he missed them when it costs him more than he can afford and that at some point he realizes that I wasn't such a bad person after all. That I only tried to help, that I cared enough to stay when I never had to.